Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Childcare and takeaway are not enough for me

You know, I have this illusion that I’m the normal one around here. But every now and then I have a conversation which makes me realise that I dance to the beat of a different drum. Maybe you also dance to its beat; maybe you struggle to hear it amid the chaos of life – but if it’s not your drumbeat at all, you probably don’t read this blog!

Anyway, six months ago, we moved house. We didn’t move far; two miles, to be exact. But we moved from an unfriendly street to a friendly street; and, in particular, we moved to be a few doors up from some special people. Other friends, who hear our drumbeat, cheered us on; but many couldn’t understand it. And at the old school, which we attended for the last few weeks of term after moving, I was standing with a group of mums at pick up time when one of them asked me about the new house. ‘It’s great,’ I said, ‘we’ve been there a month and already we’re sharing a meal or two a week. The kids go back and forth a bit between the houses and so they’re more engaged and asking less of me.’ I was ready to say more – about Friday movie nights (for the kids) and wine (for the adults), say, or about sharing the lawnmower or the rice cooker or babysitting – when a woman interrupted. ‘What’s so great about that?’ she asked, slightly contemptuously. ‘Childcare and takeaway, that’s what you need; why would you want to get involved?’ And half the women in the group nodded, and looked at me as if I were the strange one.

And that, folks, is the moment I realised that we dance to different drums; and the drums are so different that I couldn’t answer her. While I stumbled for words, another woman cut in. ‘I can’t stand the idea of neighbours,’ she said, ‘I ignore mine, and always keep my big gates shut and locked.’

Thank goodness the school bell rang and the kids poured out, because I was flabbergasted. I just can’t imagine not sharing my life, especially as a parent. I feel suffocated at the idea of living with just partner and kids; the nuclear family is not enough for me. And when I think back to how important so many adults – friends and neighbours – were to my childhood, I can’t imagine raising my own kids without the same crowd of people in their lives.

Even more, I can’t see that purchased supports are any substitute for the shared life. While I’m not against either childcare or takeaway, and use them from time to time, they’re not enough for me. I also want old friends and new acquaintances and neighbours who hand food over the fence; I want to eat with many different people, and often.

Many Friday afternoons, the kids all play here while my friend-now-neighbour works from home and I cook up a pot of something; then the kids run down the street and flop in front of a movie at the other house. I follow a bit later carrying my big pot, and my friend and I tell stories of the week over a glass of wine while dinner cooks and we wait for our partners to come home. Together, then, we all eat and talk about work and writing and ideas and politics, and remind the kids of their table manners; then my partner and I whisk our kids home to bed.

Childcare and takeaway vs a glass of wine with a friend, an interesting conversation, and a two-household mutual admiration society? They don’t even begin to compare!

8 comments:

  1. I like reading this blog because I cant believe how many of the entries subtext is "I am better than others". I tune in for the irony.

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    1. People read the blog for all sorts of reasons - but I wonder why you bother?!

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  2. I so understand you wanting to live with people who want to live in community.

    This makes me think of a bit of a dilemna we're facing at the moment. One of our immediate neighbours (we live in an area of infill housing so have four immediate neighbours) is selling. We have some community-minded friends who might like to move in.

    However, we're all a bit torn: is it better that we and our friends keep on living in different suburbs where we've invested a lot in trying to build community and let some random person/people move next door who could well do with being invested in OR is it better that we team up to support each other, but at the expense of our friends abandoning (albeit weak) connections in which much has been invested??

    At this stage it looks like we're probably going to keep living in different suburbs - although it would be lovely to have food-sharing board-game-playing friends next door!

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    1. I don't really know that there's a 'right' answer, especially as some neighbours don't like being invested in! My feeling is that it's a bit like dominoes - one wonders about it, and if other things fall into place then one goes ahead. I also reckon that if it will increase your energy for other parts of life, then it's probably a good thing. But if it doesn't happen, at least food-sharing board-game-playing friends can come over Saturdays! Good luck with the decision-making.

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  3. Interesting first response! I suppose we do think our own values are 'better' in one way - that is why we hold them - even if we respect others' right to make different choices. It still seems to important to articulate our values, and challenge some that are dominant in our society but not necessarily good for kids (and there is an evidence base for some of this, not just opinion!) I hope you don't stop! Jean

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    1. I'm not even sure that my values are 'better'; they are merely the result of this life lived, not any other. Had I been born into a different life, I might have emerged with different values.

      Even so, I have no plans to stop writing about where I am now; I figure if someone finds the way I articulate my ever-evolving values offensive they can always read something else!

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  4. It always amazes me that people take the time to write negative comments on blogs...I mean, why? What is the point? There are literally hundreds of thousands of other blogs anonymous could read..anyway..
    we live on a non-friendly street and I am greatly looking forward to the day we move to a more family-friendly neighborhood. I took my daughter to my friend's house a neighborhood away last night for dinner, and several of her neighbors and their children joined us spontaneously - it was a lovely night, and interesting because I got to watch my daughter sort herself out in a "pack." Takeaway and childcare feels very cold to me.

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    1. Takeaway and childcare have their place, perhaps, but more can be so much more fun! And like you, I love watching kids in a pack.

      Perhaps you could investigate your friends' neighbourhood when it comes time to move? Sounds like they have good neighbours already, something to join in and build on.

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